MY
POM
JOURNALS
JOURNAL ENTRY #1
BEHOLD #7
Manny
I am having a really hard day today.
I feel like there is a monster in my head saying a lot of negative things to me.
I went into my old patterns and habits today. I woke up very early, watched social media, and had a lot of very negative self-talk. I don’t even feel like I’m saying bad things to myself (although I probably am and I don't even realize it because I'm so used to it). It’s more of a comparison and looking at people and thinking their lives are so much better and easier than mine. I’m concentrating on what I don’t have, what I need – and I am not in gratitude at all whatsoever. So this monster is what came out of me today.
Where am I going to end up and am I going to be ok?
JOURNAL ENTRY #2
BEHOLD #8
Ermine Ragusa
I was in the emergency room for 15 hours yesterday.
All of my tests came back fine. I am sure that stress is a large factor in this, but I also know there’s something off in my body. I went through this last summer and had every test under the sun, and we could not figure out what was wrong.
I’m grateful to have survived this, and to also have another opportunity to find out what’s wrong with me so that we can fix it. I want to have a much higher quality of life where I don’t have to worry about anything like this ever happening again.
I am looking forward to meditating on this and changing my vibration from fear to one of incredible health and gratitude. I will begin that tonight.
JOURNAL ENTRY #3
BEHOLD #9
Bluebert
Today is my grandfather‘s birthday. I am very grateful that I am not dealing with my health issues in the hospital where he died.
I am very grateful to still have him in my life. I am very grateful for the love and protection that he and my grandmother continue to give me. I know they will help see both my father and me through this difficult time.
I’m very happy to be alive and feel well enough to make Bluebert in honor of my grandpa today.
I think that I chose Bluebert (subconsciously) because when I gave my grandfather’s eulogy 22 years ago, I said that he is a “true blue” person. And he really is – what you see is what you get. No games, no strategy, no agenda – a sweet, highly intelligent, highly competent, helpful, caring man always there for his friends and family in the ways that he could be. And he is still here for me today in the ways that he can be there for me. True blue. I always associate that color with him.
JOURNAL ENTRY #4
BEHOLD #16
Magnificent Man
I was inspired to make him because I know that I need to work on my self-talk and my self-worth – and that I am not alone in this.
I would love to have the power to show people how valuable they are, how they deserve to have wonderful lives, how they are worth time, energy, and love – and I would love for someone to do that for me.
I would especially love for me to do that for myself so I can be my own Magnificent Woman. In fact, now that I think more about it – I do possess this power to make others feel magnificent. I’d like to use it more and use it to help me feel magnificent, too.
JOURNAL ENTRY #5
BEHOLD #21
Purpette de Lilac Scorsese
So my SVT (Supraventricular Tachycardia, an irregularly fast or erratic heartbeat that affects the heart's upper chambers) happened one week into my Pom 365 project. Today is day 21 of the project, and I feel grateful to have three times as many Pom characters as I did when I was rushed to the hospital.
I’ve had two more weeks of life and experiences with my friends, family and loved ones since the day that I made Manny.
It’s interesting to be able to quantify the days and see something physical that’s come of my survival.
And getting do art and make these wonderful little confections every single day definitely makes me feel grateful.
JOURNAL ENTRY #6
BEHOLD #23
Pom Pom Mercado
I am having a very pro-Walter Mercado phase of my life right now.
I have watched the documentary about his life on Netflix many times. It is so inspiring to me just from an artistic point of view in that he was very much himself, very creative, flamboyant, unique, and his capes and the colors and sparkles – fantastic.
But, his energy, and his positivity – he was a magnet to people because he gave them good things to concentrate on. I know that a lot of psychics are looked upon as scam artists – but the way he is portrayed in this film makes me see him as a person with good intentions to help others, to support people, to inspire and create hope.
Whether those things are true or not – I think he gave that to a lot of people. I respect that he also made some very bold choices with the way he lived his life, and with the way he looked in a time where people may not have been so accepting.
People seemed to respect that he was being his pure self. It inspires me.
JOURNAL ENTRY #7
BEHOLD #28
Mitts McGee
Yesterday was the first time that I didn’t feel excited to make a Pom. It felt like one more thing I had to do to check off my list for the day.
I went ahead and made the Pom anyway. I assumed since I wasn’t really feeling it, that I wouldn’t put as much effort into the Pom creation as I have in past ones. But about a minute after I started figuring out what to do, it was all OK.
Any hesitation or feeling that it was a burden had melted away.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to make, and I put a few different things together that didn’t work. But it didn’t bother me. It wasn’t frustrating – it was just part of the process.
I ended up making a rabbit, and he turned out so cute. And afterwards I realized that because it was a rabbit and not some creature I had created from scratch that doesn’t exist yet in the world, I felt the need to create a more interesting story for him. Since the Pom wasn’t super unique, the story had to be.
I’ve also noticed that my friends to whom I send the Pom of the Day respond well when there’s a longer story. When I give a little more detail about the Pom’s personality, my friends make more suggestions and fill in some of the blanks and questions that come up. I want that. I don’t want to tell them all the answers about this little character. I want them to make up things about the character, too.
After 28 days of making Poms, it’s really not that hard to find the time. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to shift my energy and create these little characters, whether I start from a positive place or a negative place. It shows me how easy it can be to shift my energy and my vibration. I don’t seem to be able to do that as well when I am just sitting and meditating.
But when I have this small task to focus on, I can let go, and the energy shifts in a really nice way.
It has also been really nice to focus on beautiful colors, sparkles, cute creatures, learning something new – all of those things are so positive and are a different sort of meditation.
There is a lot to learn from this process.
JOURNAL ENTRY #8
BEHOLD #39
Barry Johnson, the Box Jellyfish, otherwise known as B.J.B.J.
Invasion of privacy.
Today I made Barry Johnson, The Box Jellyfish with 24 eyes because my personal boundaries and privacy were invaded. There were not bad intentions behind it, but I was the subject of gossip. People were talking about my personal matters behind may back/without my knowledge. It makes me very angry, and I feel violated.
What is there for me to learn from this? The bigger picture is once people have information (whether correct or incorrect) I have no idea if they're going to share it.
I shared about my upcoming procedure with someone very close to me and that information made its way outside of this person and to strangers. I did not draw any boundaries when I originally shared the information. I did not make any request not to share it - I just incorrectly assumed that such personal information would not be shared (even if it was not shared with malice). I could have either chosen not to share it, or communicated boundaries about it when I did. Lesson learned.
And I cannot control all the things people say about me. I also need to forgive myself and carry on. I violated my own confidentiality, and so I cannot expect others to respect it if I don’t respect it myself.
JOURNAL ENTRY #9
BEHOLD #44
Pom Pom Izakaya
Let the research begin.
Tonight I went to dinner with my friend Andrea, and we went to an Izakaya on W. 3rd St. It was absolutely delicious, and I was inspired to make Pom Pom Izakaya because of it.
I thought it would be a good excuse to do a little research and learn more about what Izakaya is, what they mean, what they are, why people gather there. It was interesting.
I’m learning that sometimes my pom poms are reasons for me to learn about something else that I may only be slightly familiar with – and it’s a really fun reason and way to do some research and learn more. Izakaya means stay, drink, place – and "Oishi" means delicious in Japanese.
JOURNAL ENTRY #10
BEHOLD #48
Reddd Foxxx
I had dinner with a friend tonight and he really inspired me. He told me that this was his favorite pom so far because he loved the story. I told him that a lot of the facts in it are from Redd Foxx’s real life, and he was so surprised – that never occurred to him. He looked at the Pom in a totally different way.
We spoke about the project more, and he asked me what kind of stories do I want to tell? What kind of world do I want to create?
I never thought about it that way before – that with this project, I have the opportunity to create a world that is just how I want it to be.
What would I like to have in a new world that is already in this one? What would I like to have in a new world that does not exist in this world? What things/beings/places are necessary? Which ones are optional? What do I get to choose to create a world with every day?
My conversation with him shifted the way that I do my project.
JOURNAL ENTRY #11
BEHOLD #50
Antony the Angler Fish
I really wanted to include Antony because angler fish look scary to me. They are not traditionally “cute,” but they are totally fascinating.
As I create the Pom world, I realize that a great assortment of beings will make the world a more interesting place, and one where we can learn a lot more.
Having only pretty and cute isn’t going to create a dynamic world.
JOURNAL ENTRY #12
BEHOLD #51
L. Pom Hubbard
Pushing the boundaries.
I don’t particularly like L. Ron Hubbard, the human, but I find his story to be fascinating. I first learned about him when I wrote a paper for a First Amendment seminar I took in law school.
I realized that in creating the Pom world, we need some controversy and some controversial figures.
These beings make us appreciate the good and the positive and the healthy. Without the dark you can’t have the light.
But I also realize that I need to be careful – that I don’t want to add purely negative or evil people – like Hitler, for example. I really get to choose who is and who is not in this Pom world.
I also understand that different viewers will have different opinions on some of the Poms I choose to create – or at least on the humans on which they are based. That’s ok. Art is meant to make people think and talk and debate.
Just because Poms are tiny and cute does not mean they are homogeneous or just for kids or without controversy.
I view them as being for adults, and if kids like some of them, that’s fine too. This was my first controversial Pom (or so I think) and I am figuring out where I’d like to push the boundaries of who I choose to create and how I depict them as part of this project.
I also did pretty extensive research for this Pom, and it was really fun for me; I like that his story is based in fact and history. A learning opportunity for me and for the viewer.
JOURNAL ENTRY #13
BEHOLD #59
Pomcasso
He was a real breakthrough Pom for me.
I look to him as an artist for inspiration, but I also have a tough time relating to what he creates. I don’t look at people and the world the same way that he does – and that is part of why I love him.
This is a real homage to him. It is based on a painting of his called “Tete de Femme.”
This Pom really inspired me to go deeper into the historic Poms.
JOURNAL ENTRY #14
BEHOLD #60
Cleopomtra
When I created her, I made her in the way that I thought my grandmother would like to make her – with gorgeous jewels and sparkly materials laid out very precisely and as beautifully as I could muster.
JOURNAL ENTRY #15
BEHOLD #61
Marge from Accounting
I realized there was no way I could top the beauty of Cleopomtra, so I decided to go the opposite direction and create someone very practical and not flashy – but who has a secret life because you can’t judge a Pom by its cover.
Sometimes the quiet ones are the ones you have to look out for.
JOURNAL ENTRY #16
BEHOLD #66
Pom Jeremy
I am going through a pivotal time in my life right now.
I’m about to have an ablation next week on my heart, and that is going to open so many wonderful new worlds for me. I will be able to have 100% excellent health and do anything and everything I would like to do in terms of exercise, travel, eating, drinking, living fully, and really embracing my life again.
I am so lucky that I am a very healthy person and that this glitch can be fixed quickly and easily, and my quality of life will grow exponentially. There is no coincidence that this is happening as I am deep into this project. I am grateful that this procedure is outpatient, relatively simple, and will fix my issue 100%. The funny circuit I was born with in my heart (that I didn't know about until recently) will be totally fixed. So grateful.
I feel that Pom 365 is causing incredible positive momentum in my life.
On the seventh day of Pom 365, I had an SVT and created Manny The Monster. Then I had another SVT about a month later, and I still kept my commitment to making a Pom that day.
People have been giving me wonderful ideas like animating them, making books about them, and making calendars. People have requested spinoffs with certain characters. There are so many possibilities, and the more I create, the more other art I want to make. There are several paintings I want to do both with pom poms and without. I want to work on my hummingbird paintings. Yesterday I decided I wanted to do a book about my paralegal dog, Noodle. And I started thinking of the different pictures I want to draw for it.
I feel this is such a productive, fruitful, creative time for me, and now other things are falling into place.
Work is falling into place and not being a burden for me. I am good at my job, and it comes easily to me.
Then I had this toenail that has been injured for five months, and it finally came off. I felt such relief – it felt so good to not have that painful thing attached to me anymore, and I decided it was going to shift everything into a much more positive mode. The funny thing, too, is that my toenail fell off when I was trying on shoes and rushing to get ready for a work event. At that event, I spoke with an electrophysiocardiologist who I knew through work - I told her about the SVT’s - and she convinced me to get the ablation. I had been on the fence before I talked to her, and that conversation convinced me to get it – and it was definitely the right decision.
I know this ablation will bring so much happiness, security, healing, comfort, and freedom into my life. I run towards it with open arms, and I know I will be fine for the next few days until I have the surgery. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and I am so grateful for this life that I am creating.
I am definitely transitioning to the next phase of my life, and this project is opening up more doors than I can ever see at this time. The effects of this project are going to last far into the future for me and for the world.
JOURNAL ENTRY #17
BEHOLD #71
My Heart
I had my ablation today and it was very successful.
One circuit, one burn, done. I went home and made my Pom this evening and I find that to be pretty amazing.
Interestingly, a few days after I had the ablation, I had to travel for work – and although my doctor said it was ok, I think it was too soon.
I started to feel bad again, but not bad in my heart. Other things. And so I started almost feeling embarrassed about the Pom I made, having said I was all fixed.
As I look back on it, I can say that my heart WAS fixed.
My heart is 100% healthy and that is wonderful and I am grateful.
I have had some other issues that I think are finally figured out, but it has been hard.
And frustrating.
And healing is not linear.
And I have had to learn patience – and I still have a lot of patience to learn.
I have had to be much nicer to myself, much more caring and compassionate – and I still have to work on that.
I love my body and I know it is strong and healthy. And some days it doesn’t feel that way, and I am resentful.
Does that resentment help? No, not at all.
Health is a journey, and not every day is better than the last.
Health is a journey and I’m ok with that.
As I grow older, I understand that I need to be much more active in taking care of my body and managing my health – and there is no reason to feel resentful about that.
Everything is ok – even when it doesn’t feel ok.
To myself: Please be kind and compassionate. Please treat me as you would treat your loved ones. This is where healing takes place.
JOURNAL ENTRY #18
BEHOLD #73
Pomela Anderson
The Pamela Anderson Pom was really the first one where I got some negative critique.
My friend did not like how her cleavage was. It originally had black lines and she thought that it didn’t look right. And I was really glad for her input because I sort of felt that way myself.
And so I ended up changing it out, and I do think it looks a lot better and so does she. It was an interesting reinforcement of a lesson – if I don’t feel right about something, I should look into it and possibly change it if I can.
And I also realize that if I think some thing is off, the audience will probably catch onto it as well.
JOURNAL ENTRY #19
BEHOLD #75
Pomcrates
He is an important Pom to me because my degree is in Philosophy.
I was always struck by how Socrates is such an important figure in history – what an incredible contributor he was to history and to the world and to how we do life – but how many people did not like him and were annoyed by him during his lifetime in Greece.
Sometimes those who show us the truth are the ones we dislike the most.
JOURNAL ENTRY #20
BEHOLD #77
Glowbert
Glowbert was my first travel pom.
I made him in my hotel room in San Diego when I was away for work at a regional conference.
It put the pom kit to the test. I did do a test run of the pom travel kit at my boyfriend's house for a couple of days before I went on my trip and it worked, so I wasn’t too nervous about it.
But I was concerned that the quality of the poms might suffer as I was on the road. And in a way, the quality does go down a little bit because I don’t have as many materials – so I don’t have as many options.
But that motivates me to make their stories even more incredible.
And with that, I don’t think people really see a dip in the quality.
It’s an interesting phenomenon. Plus the more I travel the better, because I end up putting a wider variety of supplies into my travel kit.
JOURNAL ENTRY #21
BEHOLD #77, 86, 92
Remi The Raindrop
Pomturn
DPA (Deoxyribopomcleic Acid)
I am not very good at science – at least I don’t think I was ever particularly good at it in school.
I realize that this project is a way for me to learn about some things or even re-learn some things that intimidated me or that I never understood very well.
It’s a great opportunity.
JOURNAL ENTRY #22
BEHOLD #87
Ninja Pom
I met with the Angels today and they told me a lot of things. It was a very good and enlightening therapy session.
What I learned today from our initial meeting is that although I am going through these health issues, it is exactly what is supposed to happen.
I am going to the next level in my life – I am leveling up.
This leveling up is not smooth, it’s not easy, and it’s not graceful. I’m not sure why, it’s not but it’s not.
I am transitioning to another point in my life where I get to do the things that I love on a regular basis, where I get to be myself, and be appreciated and rewarded for being myself – from others, but more so, from me. I am going to another place in my life that is about enjoyment, healing, love, and self-care.
What the angels told me today was that:
I am letting my walls come down so that I can heal the things that are seeping out that still need to be healed.
So when I fall asleep at night and let my defenses down, my heart often beats irregularly and has tachycardia because I don’t have my defenses up like I do in the day.
I began this project with my pom poms in order to heal.
In order to have control over something wonderful and positive. Really more so to create rather than to control. And I feel very calm and happy during the times I am creating.
This is the first time in my life that I have created for 88 days in a row.
This constant creation every single day is healing, and it forces me to chip away at walls and structures that I built up to protect myself – like a very high-powered, structured job, a very high-powered law career where I am taken seriously and have great responsibility. I created those things for myself out of fear – out of fear that I wouldn’t have enough money to support myself. Out of fear that nobody would ever take me seriously.
Those structures make me feel secure, but not joyous. And in certain ways, they have stifled my creativity. I’m grateful for the security, but it’s time to move on, continue to heal, create again, and create with joy and love and fun.
When I started Pom 365, I knew intuitively that it was time to create, but I didn’t realize what it was going to crack open. Now that my creativity is flowing every single day – whether I’m feeling good or not, whether I am at home or traveling for business – this commitment to my creativity, well-being, and healing has surpassed anything else. It is number one right now, behind myself and my dog.
That’s because it’s time. It’s time to get to the next level. And as I do this healing and creation, and start taking my walls down and chipping away at these structures and protections that I’ve created out of fear, these problems are coming to the surface mentally, emotionally, physically, and they are ready for release.
The angels told me that my heart is strong, my mind is strong, and my soul is strong. They told me that my body is strong, that I have everything I need, and I always have. The only thing that has been missing for me as my self-confidence. I have had self-doubt – and because of that, it has led me to look to external sources for love, care, and validation my entire life.
But now as I do this project every single day, I love what I create. Every single day it comes straight from my heart and soul – and when I look at these little creatures, I am in love with every single one. My favorite Pom is the one that I made that day.
I have given birth to a new creation every single day for 87 days in a row, and today it will be the 88th day. This is pretty incredible. I have never done this before. It is completely transforming my life. I am very proud of myself.
So for the moment, how about I help myself? How about I do some really nice things to heal myself and take care of myself? How about I stop doing all kinds of things I don’t like doing to make somebody else happy?
It’s time to start saying, “No, I don’t want do this, and I’m drawing a healthy boundary to take care of myself - not to hurt or harm you.”
JOURNAL ENTRY #23
BEHOLD #93
E-Pom Musk
WE ALMOST LOST HIM
When a fire threatened my home in the middle of the night, I had only a few minutes to grab important possessions and flee to safety. I grabbed my dog, my jewelry, one bejeweled hummingbird painting, and 11 cardboard egg cartons filled with 135 Pom characters.
During my escape / evacuation, E-Pom Musk fell out of a carton. He’s a micro Pom, so he’s TINY. I panicked when I couldn’t find him in the gravel driveway, worried that a firefighter stepped on him.
My whole house was going to burn down, and I was liiiike, “Where is E-Pom Musk?!”
When morning came, I decided to search for him again and I saw broken shards of glass on the ground outside my home. E-Pom Musk’s generator is made from a light bulb. I saw the glass chards from the busted bulb and found E-Pom submerged in the driveway gravel nearby – none the worse for wear.
My home, my beloved dog, and all of the Poms survived the fire. The only casualty was E-Pom Musk’s generator. Not too bad, all things considered.
E-Pom Musk posing with his original generator (silver background) and his new generator (orange background)
JOURNAL ENTRY #24
BEHOLD #99
Pomthagoras
I wrote about Pythagoras today (the great mathematician and cult leader) because I was trying to learn about how someone can be in two places at once. I researched that it’s called bilocation or multi location, and Pythagoras was supposedly able to do that. So when I started reading about him, I learned all of these other things about the Pythagoreans – all of their rituals and beliefs, and his discoveries, and he had a really interesting life.
Today I wanted to take my class and also go to a loved one’s birthday dinner. And I just couldn’t be in two places at once.
There are so many times in my life where I wish I could be in two places at once.
I don’t wish there was more than one of me, but I do wish that I could be in two places at once.
JOURNAL ENTRY #25
BEHOLD #101
Coco Pomnel
Coco was an interesting Pom for me because of researching her and finding out that she was a Nazi sympathizer and spy. I became very disappointed in what I was reading. There are certainly other poms I have made after controversial figures, but I knew what I was going to find in the research, or I wasn’t surprised by what I found. This time I was kind of surprised, and now I feel differently about her and about the company.
JOURNAL ENTRY #26
BEHOLD #108
This is me
I’ve been sick for many months, and we can’t figure out why. Lots of work stress and personal stress. All crashing down on me at once. Found out I have an elevated hormone tonight and need an endocrinologist and brain MRI. Too much. Hard to deal with all of these things + not feeling well. Cried a lot. Scared. But I’ll be ok. Can’t always keep a stiff upper lip. Sometimes I need to crumble – but I’m still smiling at my cute Pom portrait even through it all. The me–Pom is smiling – genuinely so. Therapy tomorrow.
JOURNAL ENTRY #27
BEHOLD #115
Roxanne, the totally incredible Pom Radish!
I realized many things about my project in therapy today. I realized that it gives me a boost of positivity every single day no matter what’s happening. I realized that it is a place in my life or I am 150% committed to it, but I am not forcing or trying to control the outcome in any way. It is also very interesting to create an entire world. I don’t necessarily sit down and think what do I want in this Pom world that I don’t already have? It’s more of an experience of “Let’s see what comes to me.” Sometimes, there are Poms that I want to make because I want to have certain things in my Pom world, though, like other planets or intuition or magic. So sometimes I am deliberately creating something that I want in my Pom world, and sometimes I’m just letting whatever comes to me come to me. But no matter what, I’m not super calculated about it, and I’m not thinking about what others might want or like or forcing anything.
It was interesting to tell my therapist that I think a lot of the rest of my life would be much easier if I went about it the same way as I go about my project. Where I have a purpose in mind, and my purpose is to enrich the lives of myself and others. When I go about things from my purpose, then a lot of it falls into place and even the tasks that I don’t really love doing aren’t so bad. And when I’m making Poms, it’s not as if everything goes perfectly or I don’t have to pivot sometimes or little fibers don’t get stuck to me and the glue gets everywhere. If all of those things happen, it’s just that they don’t bother me at all. All of the things that go right are great and the things that don’t go right don’t bother me because I am working from my purpose.
I was telling her that at work when I work from my purpose – whether it’s in my law practice or my 9–5 job – I feel really good. I’m glad to help people, I’m glad to enrich the lives of others. But when I get caught up in their everyday tasks – some of which I don’t like very much, like having to have a certain political phone calls, or fill out certain work sheets because of policy, or do expense reports – these things can often get me frustrated and then I completely lose sight of my purpose and all I’m seeing is this thing that is a problem or that I don’t enjoy. Then my entire job becomes that problem or the thing that I don’t enjoy, and that is really stressful.
The other interesting thing that we talked about today is letting go. Human beings are here to expand – so it’s not like we decide that we want certain things in the world, and then if we get those things and we just stop living. We can get the things that we want to create and then we want more. Not in terms of grading us, but in terms of expanding. And when I do art – when I complete a project – I am onto the next. When I complete a Pom, I am onto the next one. And I can easily let go of prior Poms and prior projects. It’s not like I’ve feel super–attached, but it’s not as if I don’t care. I care a lot; I’m just not trying to control everything and grasp everything too tightly.
Being an artist – it’s easy to let things go. It’s easy to complete things and then let them go. I know that my art will end up in the right hands and in the right homes – sometimes that that home will be mine, sometimes it will be someone else’s. But whatever the case may be, everything will end up in the right spot and so it’s easy to let go. When it comes to other Issues like work and relationships and problems that I have, I seem to have a lot of trouble letting them go. And these days I’ve been wrapped up in a lot of other people’s problems that are not even my own and have had a lot of trouble letting them go. The illness that I’ve been experiencing has been forcing me to make myself a priority and to let other people’s problems fall by the wayside. I just don’t have the room to take on other people’s problems while I am dealing with some pretty serious ones of my own. But I can see how even when I’m feeling better and things in my life are going very well, I don’t need to be taking on other peoples’ problems.
It’s not like I didn’t know that, but I think that I still haven’t been doing that for a long time and not even because I love people so much and I am so empathetic, but because I want to control and force things to happen. I do this out of insecurity. I do this out of feeling helpless as a child when all kinds of things were happening in my life – like my parents’ divorce, and I had no say or control over that. Which is actually not even true. But I guess that I felt helpless or that looking back I felt or feel that way. So I try to control everything that I can, and in doing so, force a lot of things that probably make the situation worse or make the outcome not as good as it could’ve been if I had just let go and let things fall into place like I do with my art.
JOURNAL ENTRY #28
BEHOLD #196
Festiva, the Pom Firework
It’s been a while since I’ve journaled, and I think that is the case for a lot of reasons. There have been a lot of challenges happening simultaneously, the most jarring of which was probably the fire at my house. As someone who is constantly multitasking, adding a bunch of obstacles to all of the plates spinning didn’t leave much time for journaling. But I still made time to make my Pom every day. That healing art therapy has helped me through this time.
I have a long-standing story that “I don’t have time to have feelings.” Or “I don’t have time to process the feelings that I have.” That has not served me well. It has caused me to bottle up feelings, and inevitably those feelings come out in other ways, like anxiety and lashing out at a loved one, and perhaps feeling down or depressed.
I am working on feeling safe with my feelings and feeling safe to process my feelings and trusting myself that if I work through those feelings, I won’t get stuck or lost in them or overwhelmed with them. That I can work through them, I am a highly capable, and I can take care of myself, and come out positively rather than getting stuck in the negativity.
I have not wanted to journal. I have been learning quite a lot of lessons. I would say most of them boils down to that I trust myself. I am doing incredibly well at this game of life. I am learning how to fulfill a commitment to myself every single day. I am learning how to create from nothing every single day. I am in a highly creative mindset right now, and Obstacles that are coming up still tend to cause me stress sometimes. Or rather, I let them cause me stress. But I notice right away, and I try and figure out how to productively manage and deal with that stress.
My boyfriend said a great thing the other day, which was to approach these challenges that come up “as the artist that I am.” I just made a painting without paint. I wanted to paint last week during my vacation, and I didn’t have my paints with me, and so I used felt and rhinestones and foam and paper. And it turned out really beautiful. He said if you approach the challenges in life the way you approach the painting – if the person who painted this painting is the person who is approaching these challenges – then how would everything look, how would everything turn out? Everything will be beyond fine. Everything will be beautiful. Everything is beautiful. Look at what I made.
This is excellent advice. And it’s something that I have thought about before. Where if I am the person who is dealing with the stress but I am coming from the person who’s creating these wonderful pom–poms every day and coming from the person who’s painting without paint, then only good things can come from addressing and dealing with challenges and problems. Because I’m already there. I’m already there and I think sometimes I forget that and I forget who I am. I don’t always feel like the person painting without paint or making Poms. I am not doing those things all day every day. But I am that person and I can be that person. Scratch that. I remember that I am that person more throughout each day. Life is much better when I approach it as the creator that I am.
It has dawned on me in the past that I don’t want to approach life as an artist, because artists can be flighty and unstable and don’t make any money. But I could see that artists get the world to think. Artists inspire the world to create. Artists are creators. When I approach anything in life, whether positive or negative as a creator, I am totally powerful.
JOURNAL ENTRY #29
BEHOLD #212– Pomzeena, the High Sorceress of Pomluminum Foil
I’ve had some very innovative Poms as of late. The other night I made a Pom, Xena, the High Sorceress of Pomluminum Foil. I was making chicken nuggets that day, as I do almost every day, and I have always loved aluminum foil. It’s really shiny and it’s light, and you can sculpt it. It’s pretty great, and I was inspired by it when I was making my chicken nuggets. And so I decided to make a Pom out of it.
I was only going to make a head with some ears, and then the ears turned out so spectacular that I realize she needed a gown or a robe of some kind, and she turned so majestic and incredible. I’m so happy with her.
And then last night I made the Pom of Spades. I was with Tiger watching the movie “21” about blackjack, and I’ve always thought that playing cards and the designs on them even in the very regular decks are so pretty and the Ace of Spades is super cool. And I thought maybe I should do some research to figure out why I even think that the Ace of Spades is so cool, and it is cool because it is the most valuable card in the deck – and so I really had fun researching this and I really enjoyed making this Pom with a different material than I normally would.
The other thing that I did yesterday was I made a self–portrait. I did make a self–portrait a while ago and it looks nothing like me because it’s very abstract and it looks like a little alien creature. This one I thought maybe should look more like me since I am sort of trying to show people who I am. And it was very interesting to think about how I wanted to portray myself – and I felt a little embarrassed at times and I am not even sure why. A little self–conscious. I didn’t wanna make my skin a human color. Because I don’t think the color of my skin really matters anyways. I was trying to figure out what information to share like that (and what information not to share and keep a mystery). So I was a little hesitant to do it, but as a progressed, it was really fun and it just felt like making another Pom.
And now that I’m done, and I like it and it’s cute, I realize that I can make all different versions of myself. I don’t have to stick to just one. And so now I am inspired to do an entire series of self–portraits. Sometimes I used to wonder why artist did self–portraits, and to be honest, I still kind of do since that’s new for me – and I have never wanted to paint or draw or paint myself. But making a Pom out of myself is a pretty cool experience, and I can see how it’s an interesting thing to do for an artist so that they can kind of reflect on the different stages of their life, different emotions that they’re having, different moods that they’re in – how an artist can have many different versions of themselves depicted throughout the days of their life. I guess last night I felt like I wanted to be pretty glamorous – but still show myself in slippers, because I do wear slippers a lot and I love slippers.
JOURNAL ENTRY #30
BEHOLD #224
Iris and Iridian, the rainbow Pom eggs
Tonight I had a lot of trouble making a Pom. I researched so much and so many possibilities, and it’s nice to have a lot of possibilities. But as the research continues, the time is ticking and my bedtime is getting later and later. Sometimes this happens to me, and I end up creating something different than what I originally expected – because I’ll be up until three in the morning if I don’t decide on something or feel that twinge of inspiration. I find that I make more intricate Poms on the weekends because I have more hours to spare on the weekends.
Tonight a lot of the possibilities were very exciting to me. But just because a Pom is a possibility doesn’t mean that it’s easy for me to figure out how to design it in my mind. Some pop subjects translate really well into real life Poms and some of them are very hard to conceptualize and make in 3–D.
So, tonight was a struggle until I saw a bunch of the glitter strands tangled all together, and they looked like a nest to me. But even then, I had to research what animals make nests, and what kind of nests are they, and where are the nests? Are they in the swamp, or are they in the trees, or are they in caves, and what are they made out of? Because nests made out of mud are not going to be very sparkly. So I did a whole segment of research on dragons’ nest and dragons’ eggs – and to be honest, other than video games and “Game of Thrones,” there is not a lot of information on these topics. So I finally decided to just completely create my own from scratch, and not refer really to anything else. Sometimes creating completely from nothing is the most freeing way to go. I don’t have to look up history or science or refer to anything. I get to create the entire Pom story from my head. That is really fun. Sometimes I start at that point, but sometimes (like tonight) I have to go through an hour and a half of research to get to that point. It’s a very interesting process.
It’s also interesting because if I can’t think of something, I can’t skip creating the Pom for the day. So any kind of “writers block” must evaporate before the clock strikes midnight. I don’t feel pressure about it, and I know something will come – but it’s interesting that I don’t have the option of giving up and trying again tomorrow or sleeping on it. I have to produce something for my Pom that day. In that sense, it’s OK, because it unsticks me if I am stuck. I don’t get to indulge in not creating for a day.
JOURNAL ENTRY #31
BEHOLD #223
Jed, the Pom Tart
I had some very interesting insights recently. I basically write a little essay every night for the background story of the Poms that I create. A lot of times that involves research on history and science and nature and all sorts of things. I was telling her that were it not for my law background, I don’t think I would be able to make these stories as quickly as I do. I certainly don’t think I’d be able to make one every single day.
When I was a kid, I used to kind of moan and groan about having to write essays, and now I basically write an essay every night. But I get to do it very creatively, and I have a lot of artistic license writing for the Poms.
So all of my life – my grandmother, my art background, my law degree, my experience in business, my reading and writing, and analyzing and synthesizing information every day – all of it has come together. I use all of these skills and all of my background to make these little characters every night. Sometimes it comes very naturally, and most of the time it flows super freely. Even if it doesn’t start out that waym it always does flow eventually – and I am constantly amazed with what I create. I can’t believe this funny little thing came out of me once it’s done. It’s as if it appeared by magic. And that’s funny, because literally years and decades of my life have come to this point where I get to create this funny little being every day. It’s an incredibly magical process, and yet it’s also very logical, and makes a lot of sense, and has had many building blocks to come together.
I remember feeling very annoyed at artists and athletes and people who are very successful saying, “I don’t know how this happened. It just sort of happened.” Then I think, “Are you kidding me?” How has this billion–dollar thing “just happened?” You made thousands of decisions all along the way. But then I realize now how it can feel that way because of doing my Project 365. On one hand, so much concrete work has gone into it. And on the other hand, when the final result pops out, it is sort of like instant magic to me. It’s a very interesting process and feeling.
JOURNAL ENTRY #32
BEHOLD #228
Dizzy, the Elepom
I explored some things from my childhood in therapy today, and I think it’s interesting that I made an elephant that never forgets. There are some things that no matter how young we are – we never forget.
They’re also a lot of times when I make a Pom and while I’m making it, I’m not conscious of the connection to where I’m at in my thoughts, emotions, or what happened in the day. But then after I’m done, and I look back on my Pom and what’s going on, and I can sometimes make the connection about why I made that Pom that day. And sometimes I still have no idea why I made that Pom that day. It’s very interesting.
JOURNAL ENTRY #33
BEHOLD #254
Pomdexter, Keeper of the Pomcyclopedia
Tonight‘s Pom was tough to make. I wanted to make the Pomcyclopedia for a while now, and I thought that I had some little objects – little mini things in bags that I ordered that might have a book included in them. I looked all over the place and couldn’t find either of the little bags. It’s really tough with my art supplies being split between my house and my boyfriend’s. In any event, when I couldn’t find them, I decided to make something else tonight.
But then when I looked around, I really didn’t feel like making anything else, and so I went back to the Pomcyclopedia and had to figure out how to make a book. That was really challenging. Most of the Poms are challenging for me because they are things that I’ve never made before. This one was especially challenging because I used paper which I have never used before and I really wasn’t sure what to use for the book cover, but the thick foam did the trick. I guess all of this to say that I’m so proud of this one tonight.
I’ve had a really tough day and I’ve not been in a very good frame of mind today. I’ve had a lot of negativity and pressure and deadlines to deal with and I wasn’t sure what Pom would come out of me tonight. Although 99% of the time something very charming and whimsical and positive comes out (even on some of my toughest days) I still get surprised when something very positive comes out and is created by me in a day that I have felt very negative.
Today I felt very negative and very overwhelmed by those negative feelings. Then of course I feel guilty for having the negative feelings and letting them get to me. But one of the best ways to remedy that is to make a Pom. The other day I was telling my mom about some of the challenges in my life right now, and she said, “Oh just calm down, keep carrying on.” And she was totally right. I wish that I could just sit down and make a Pom wherever and whenever I feel like it, but sometimes I can’t do that because I am not in a place of my supplies, or I have other things that I have to work on and deadlines. So I often make them at night when I can sit down with my material and think and concentrate and feel. Tonight was definitely a triumphant Pom.
JOURNAL ENTRY #34
BEHOLD #269
Greenbert McDuffy
March 17th is an interesting day for me. It is the day that my grandfather died. It’s hard to believe that he died 23 years ago today, and ever since that day, I haven’t had St. Patrick’s Day. It’s just the day that my grandpa died.
So it was interesting to me when I sat down tonight to make my Pom, that Greenbert is the Pom I made. The most attractive Pom to me tonight was the green one. I had no idea what I was going to make. I hadn’t planned it out at all. And the one that I wanted to use was the green one. I hadn’t seen any St. Patrick’s Day decorations or things, and I actually didn’t even remember that it was Saint Patrick’s Day when I went to sit down to make my Pom. Perhaps it was in my subconscious because my friend sent me a text earlier in the day saying that I must go all out for St. Patrick’s Day. And I replied that I hadn't remembered it was St. Patrick’s Day; it’s just the day that my grandfather died.
So it was definitely in my subconscious somewhere, and I realize that I deny myself celebrating St. Patrick’s Day every year – not really on purpose, but it's just never mattered to me.
Something else that totally changed the course of my life happened that day.
And it was a really bad day. It was interesting, because my dad came over today as I kind of figured he would, because he comes over on days where nothing is happening, so I knew he would certainly come over on the day of Grandpa‘s death anniversary. And for the first time in a while, we both talked about that day a little bit. We both couldn’t really get into specifics about it because it was so painful for the both of us, but man, that was a bad day. I was totally surprised when I got to the hospital and found out. I was completely in shock. I know it sounds strange to be completely in shock when an 89–year–old person dies, but this was not supposed to happen. He was doing fine. And it sounds ridiculous to even say that because he had been in the hospital for a few weeks up until that point. But in my eyes, he had been doing just fine and he was going to get out any day. And there were even a couple of times where I was going to pick him up and take him home. And then something would happen, and they would need to do another test, and so they would keep him in the hospital longer. So, I would visit him and bring him a newspaper and a pastrami sandwich like he asked me to, and he was restless to go home. And I was just waiting for the call from him to say “Come pick me up and take me home.” But it didn’t happen. What an awful day.
At any rate, I guess my subconscious was tired of not having a little celebration for St. Patrick’s Day and so it decided to take back St. Patrick’s Day. And I had a really nice dinner with Tiger and I told him about my grandpa, how it was the anniversary of his death. And so he asked me to tell him some things about my grandpa, and that was wonderful and delightful. And although I feel like crying now, talking about all of It, it was actually a really good day this year.
It was also a good day because the day before, I got a job offer and accepted it for a new job where I am the leader of a whole team. A whole team of four. This is a wonderful new opportunity and step in my career that unfolded out of nowhere and went so smoothly and quickly. I know it was totally meant to be. And so I gave notice at my current job yesterday. And that was also heavy because I love my job and my boss. But I was never going to have this kind of opportunity there. It was certainly like a break–up – and almost within the first hour I could feel them thinking of me as an other – an outsider, instead of as part of the team. And I felt bad about the disruption that my departure is causing. But I am also very proud of myself and happy for me about my opportunity. Breaking up is hard to do.
JOURNAL ENTRY #35
BEHOLD #271
Jimi Pomdrix
This Pom was very interesting to me because I made it having had something else in mind. I wanted to use the rainbow Pom and thought it would be a great Afro – so I researched Afro soul music, Afro punk music, and the Afro psychedelic movement. And as I was reading about these types of music, the name Jimi Hendrix was in some of the things that I was reading and then I realized that this Pom is actually Jimi Hendrix.
I don’t normally decide about a Pom after I’ve already made it. Usually when I make the Pom, I have the person or thing in mind that I’m trying to represent. This time, Jimi emerged as I was writing the biography for the Pom, which was actually just some information about the Afro psychedelic genre of music. I didn’t know he was Jimi Pomdrix until he was already made and I was already writing. After I wrote the biography, I added the bandanna to make him more Jimi Pomdrix.
JOURNAL ENTRY #36
BEHOLD #278
Pomerican actor, Pom Selleck
Excellent time with my professional artist friend, Lisa, today. Good talks about art – how we approach art, how it helps and heals us. I realized that my project is a very safe space for me to explore myself – the good and the bad. I will talk more about these observations tomorrow. Suffice it to say, I learned yet another great way this project and the Poms have changed my life: helping with self–care from the inside out.
Here I am at tomorrow with some more observations. I realized that I can very easily try new things while making Poms. I can use new materials, I can make things I’ve never made before like a zebra or a cockatoo or an artichoke. This is because if something doesn’t work, I can pull the pieces apart or start over – I don’t have to wait for things to dry or have many hours of work go down the drain. Or if the proportions are off, it won’t skew an entire painting.
It is very easy to work with the materials, and I very deliberately have not used any paint in any of the Poms since that is a separate medium for me. This “creating something new every day with no pressure” has me feel very joyous and confident as an artist. It is very easy to try new things.
I can also get a good gauge of where I’m at inside of myself, in my soul. Many days I’ve started to create a Pom when I wasn’t feeling so well physically or emotionally – or I’ve just been really tired because it’s late – and I think something dark and scowling might come out. But every time, something colorful, sparkly, cheerful, and positive is created. Even on some very tough days. I can see and touch and hold my soul’s creation in my hands – I can see that it’s a happy Pom – and know that at my core I’m doing just fine. It has been very reassuring and has also taught me that I’m stronger than I originally thought I was. Having a bad day or a tough time or facing a challenge doesn’t dim my light or make my spirit dark. I’m still ok. It is wonderful to have this experience on a regular basis. And there has never been a time when I didn’t feel better at the end of making a Pom. It is very good medicine.
JOURNAL ENTRY #37
POM SELLECK'S GREAT ADVENTURE
A few days ago I came home from work, and as I was walking up to my cottage, I saw a bright blue Pom person in the green grass. I could see his brown moustache sparkling in the sun and I immediately knew that it was Pom Selleck. I was absolutely flabbergasted – how did he end up out here? And for how long? And did someone break into my cottage and kidnap other Poms? And would my house be in total Pom disarray once I went inside? My mind was racing.
I immediately picked up Pom Selleck and inspected him. Other than having some schmutz on his Hawaiian shirt, he was ok. No bite marks, no parts missing, no one had stepped on him. Even the key to his Ferrari was still there, thank goodness. That was a good sign.
I went inside and inspected the Pom scene, and everyone was accounted for – phew! So, my attention turned back to Pom Selleck, and he told me his tale.
He was hungry for adventure – tired of being in his egg carton. Perhaps Pom Donahue was pestering him with too many questions.
Perhaps he could feel a mystery brewing. So he hitched a ride on my sweater when I was running out the door in the morning, and there he was – outside.
Once in the light of day, he hopped into his Ferrari (he keeps it in a secret spot) and drove to Malibu where a good friend of his, David Hasslepom, had turned up missing. While investigating the potential pomnapping, two Pom ninjas hopped out from behind a Pom tree and knocked Pom Selleck out. The next thing he knew, he woke up on the grass back at the cottage with crap on his shirt. Before he could even get up, I found him and took him back inside.
Now he needs to find David Hasslepom AND his Ferrari. So, I won’t be surprised if Pom Selleck makes his way outside the cottage once again. Here he is pictured in a re-enactment depicting him being found in the grass at the end of his adventure. (Since he is an actor, he is very good at re-enactments).
JOURNAL ENTRY #38
BEHOLD #279
Vigor Pomtrada
He is the Pom that bestows perfect health on all who gaze into his beautiful blue eyes. He is full of vitality, verve, and energy – and he’s happy to give you some of his endless supply. Believe in Vigor, commune with his spirit, and manifest excellent health. Take two and call him in the morning!
JOURNAL ENTRY #39
BEHOLD #348
Plummy the Pombergine
I haven’t done a journal entry in a long time, and I am not really quite sure why. I think it’s too easy to say that I just haven’t had time. There are so many things I want to say that I guess sometimes I just don’t know where to begin. I just had a thought right now that there were times recently – especially last year – when I was really feeling so unwell, which is really before I had my heart procedure. I thought to myself, “Thank goodness I have this project because I have to make a Pom every day for the next year, and if something happens to me, I won’t be able to finish that. Maybe since I have this commitment to make a Pom every day, I will survive this so that I can fulfill on my commitment.” I guess I was thinking about that right now because my project is almost over, and I just spent some time talking about some of life‘s obstacles, or current obstacles with a friend of mine. I don’t feel that once my project is over something bad can now happen to me. I do feel that last year most especially, the project saved my life in so many ways.
I really did have a kind of superstitious belief that no matter what happened with my health, I would stay alive just finish this project. It was comforting to me.
Some of the great things that I have learned from this project are that I use it for great healing. There have been many days that I was very tired or not feeling well, and I did not feel like making the Pom. And yet because of my commitment to this project, I would pick myself up and make it. And they would come out so cute and cheerful and happy. Which also had me feel so much better. The act of making the creation helped me to end my bad day or my not feeling good day on a positive, happier note. I would never do art before when I didn’t feel well or wasn’t in a positive space. I have now learned that I can easily do art when I’m not feeling well – and that doing art and creating actually makes me feel a lot better. I am not afraid of the type of work that will come out because it has been consistently positive and cheerful no matter how I was feeling that day leading up to the time that I sit and create.
Another thing that I’ve learned is that a commitment to myself is of the upmost importance. And in order to fulfill that commitment, I can put structures into place that causes everything to fall into place. The commitment to myself to do this project every day has helped me to grow trust and faith in myself. I am very proud of myself. I realize that it was, in some ways, easier and simpler than I thought it would be – because I just made this commitment, and now I am satisfied in the commitment. And other ways, it was harder than I thought it would be because I had to put structures in place when I was traveling or not feeling well or when it wasn’t so easy to find the time or space to make a Pom. Nonetheless, everything that I’ve gone through to fulfill on this project has been worth it.
At the moment, I am a little bit sad and a lot excited that the project is coming to an end in a couple weeks – at least this phase of the project. I’ve had a couple of friends already tell me that they’re sad they’re not going to receive a new Pom every day. But the thing is, they will get them every day if they want to. They can go to the website and see them whenever they want. I’m very excited about the website. But I think the structure of me sending them out every day has been a wonderful structure for me, and it’s also been a wonderful structure for some of my friends, too. They tell me that they are so excited to wake up to the Pom in the morning. It’s a great way to start their day. Or if they’re still awake when I send it, it’s a great way to end their day. I can see how it has given some people a lot of comfort and consistency – just as it has given me comfort and consistency. It’s a wonderful positive thing to have every day for me and for others.
I’ve been trying to think about what to do when the project (or this phase of it) is done, and I have so many more Poms and ideas that I want to do and create that I’m not going to stop making Poms. I’m not sure what the second phase will look like, but the project has been so enriching and healing for me, that I see no reason to stop something that’s been so good for me in my life. Maybe I can make some other guidelines around Phase 2 of the project based on what I have learned from Phase 1.
Another thing I have learned from the project is that most things are not very important and significant in the scheme of my life. Even very large obstacles that I am dealing with in the moment – they do fade with time, and the positive act of creating actually turns out to be the most important thing I do every day and week and month and year. That is much more important than any kind of problems that I am dealing with. I certainly do still get wrapped up in the details of things, but luckily those details of negative things and problems do fade away when I do the project. It is impossible for me to concentrate on problems while making a Pom and researching the Pom’s story at the same time. It is a very positive and healthy way for me to shut off my negative thoughts and worries every single day.
The process of creating the website has also been very interesting. I have had to figure out how much of myself I want to share personally, and I have realized that I am kind of shy when it comes to being an artist. I love my art and I’m proud of it and I’m always happily surprised when other people like it, too. But I do it quietly and with great internal joy, and so this act of sharing this very large project has had a lot of vulnerability come up for me. My Chief Media Officer has helped me to work through some of the vulnerability and embrace it. I don’t know what’s going to happen when the website launches – and I am very excited. But I don’t assume that everyone will love it. I do hope that lots of people get great enjoyment and inspiration from it, and I think that it’s creative and fun.
Another thing that I have learned from this project is that I am pretty fearless as an artist. Now I have made so many things that I’ve never made before. I have researched so many things that I didn’t know anything about. I make something new every day. I try different materials all the time. I am open to suggestions. I can pivot. I am a great curator and editor for my work. And I feel very confident as an artist, and do not hesitate to jump right in when I am creating now. I don’t feel the need to plan for several days or weeks before I start a project. Although I will probably continue to do that with regards to my painting. But now I don’t need to have any concerns about creating something I’ve never created before. I certainly have some limitations on my talent, but those limitations have been blown out of the water compared to what they were before I started the project. That is pretty exciting. It has been really wonderful to have my confidence grow as an artist. I do still get a little sting every now and then when someone doesn’t recognize a Pom that I’ve made. Even just today someone said that my Benjapom Franklin did not look like Benjamin Franklin. I think he looks exactly like him. So, of course, art is still in the eye of the beholder. I know there will be more lessons to learn for myself, and for my art, once we launch the larger platform of the website and Instagram.
One more lesson is that writer’s block (or artist’s block) is not an option when I HAVE to make one Pom per day. I can’t succumb to my lack of inspiration and skip a Pom if I am not able to figure out what to make that day or if I am not inspired to create something. I have had a few days like that, and I’ve had to work through them. Often times to get through a lack of inspiration moment, I look at a bag of Poms and see what colors stand out to me. Or I think about what I did that day and then sometimes things come to me and then I look them up on the Interweb and see if their stories excite me. It’s been interesting to work through that and not to let a (temporary) lack of inspiration stop me from satisfying my commitment.
My life looks completely different than it did a year ago. I have no more heart issues. My heart is 100% healthy. I have a different job. That is a nice step up from my previous job, which was already pretty great. I still live in the same little cottage (where I do my Cottage Cottage Industry), but I am about to have new landlords, and I am transitioning to the next phase soon enough. I also feel like I am a totally different person. When I look back and read my first journal entries, I was so unsure of myself and feeling like so many things in my life were out of control – or out of my control. Some of those things are still going on but they don’t bother me like they used to. I feel so much stronger and healthier inside and the way that I’m dealing with whatever is on my plate is healthy. That has been a huge growth experience for me. And while I still have daily work to do to catch myself when I am catastrophize–ing and worrying, I have become so much better at having a much more positive attitude and outlook about things. I am sure that this goes hand–in–hand with my project. I am grateful to myself for dreaming it up, for fulfilling on my commitment and completing it, and for the village that supported me in this journey.